‘Triggered’ – a piece of flash fiction

This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to real people is completely coincidental and unintentional

I need help.

I’m listening, Denise.

It’s difficult. What I say here — it is confidential, right?

Of course. You’ve seen the confidentiality clause in my terms and conditions. I follow all the guidelines –

It’s just I tried to kill someone.

Ah! Hold on. I must point out that clause does say that disclosure of information to others will only be made if you, or someone else, may be at risk of harm.

Well, he hasn’t come to any harm. He doesn’t know anything about it.

Okay… that’s not quite… look, why don’t you tell me what’s been going on? Then I’ll be able to tell you where we stand.

Yeah, well, I wanted to kill him, but it didn’t come to anything. So there’s been no crime, but I’m in a right old state. ‘Intrusive thoughts’, they call them, don’t they? They keep coming, anyway, and I need help.

Right. So, you wanted to kill someone. That’s not such an unusual thought, to be honest. Lots of people experience thoughts like that, and it can be quite natural. Sometimes our brains play out scenes in our head as a way of testing out how we feel about different situations. We imagine what we might do to explore how we feel about something. Sometimes these imagined actions can be quite alarming and can make us question ourselves. We may worry that we’re really bad people because we have some terrible thoughts. But it’s our actions that matter, at least to the outside world. No-one can judge you for the thoughts that go on in your head.

Are you sure about that?

Of course. But let’s explore your feelings about this person. Do you want to tell me who he is — you don’t have to if you don’t feel comfortable —

— Craig Brampton

What? Craig Brampton the naturalist?

Yes, him. The one off the telly.

Oh well, that is normal. Lots of people have murderous thoughts about TV presenters. Something about their job, I’m afraid. They set themselves up as something really special, don’t they? They make out that they’re experts and that they’re living this perfect life, with perfect family and friends and glamourous, perfect houses. It’s only natural for ordinary people to feel jealous, and sometimes that jealousy can spill over into dark thoughts. And I have to say, Craig Brampton is a particularly sanctimonious little… person, so I don’t think you can blame yourself for feeling…

I know him; you see. I was at school with him.

Go on.

Yes, well, he bullied me a bit. A lot, actually. You wouldn’t think it, would you? Comes across as such a kind, sensitive man, doesn’t he? Believe me, he wasn’t like that then. Oh, he was into his animals and stuff. He’s always been into that. But in those days, it was all about bringing his pet rat into school, or the disgusting roadkills he’d picked up. It kept the other kids entertained — they all seemed to like it, but I didn’t. And it bugged him that I didn’t giggle at his antics like the other girls in the class, so he started singling me out. ‘Denise, come and look at this dead frog.’ ‘Denise, feel how smooth this slowworm is. I bet you’re too afraid to touch it.’ Then one day he crept up and put a handful of creepy-crawlies down the back of my dress. I went berserk — screamed for about an hour. My mum had to come and fetch me, and I was off school for the rest of the week. And I’ve had a phobia ever since.

That sounds awful. I’m sorry to hear that. Did he get punished?

He got a dedicated classroom assistant, that’s what he got.

Well, it sounds like he had behavioural issues, so it’s probably good if he got some specialist —

— He wanted to be the centre of attention, and it worked for him. It always does. Not like that for the quiet ones, of course. But he had all sorts of dispensations in exams. And then invited onto all kinds of special schemes. Inclusivity, they called it. But I didn’t get any of it. I wasn’t included.

I understand you might resent the attention being paid to someone you felt didn’t deserve it. But it sounds like perhaps that resentment has remained with you a bit too long?

Oh, that’s not why I wanted to kill him. That’s to do with the farm. You see, he went off to Oxford or London, or somewhere, after we’d all finished school, and I thought I’d seen the last of him. Then years later, I started seeing him popping up on TV shows, and eventually he’s a host on Naturewatch, and he’s a big celebrity. I didn’t even mind that, to be honest. They’re not my kind of show, so why should I be bothered? Then he decides he wants to go back to his roots and buy a place in the village where he grew up. And where did he choose? Blackhouse Farm. Oh, he calls it Wild Acre Farm or something now, for the telly programmes he makes there. Re-wilding and all that. But it’s Blackhouse Farm, where my dad was tenant farmer until the lease was up and Craig Brampton snuck in and forced him out. My dad only wanted a few more years — he’s getting close to retirement, and okay, the last few years weren’t great, to be honest. But losing the farm like that — being forced out before he was ready — it really knocked him, you know? He’s like a shadow, and with Mum gone, it looks like I’m going to be his carer from now on. So it feels like Craig Brampton’s taken two lives; my dad’s and mine.

And how does that make you feel?

It makes me feel like killing him, that’s how. So I went back to the farm. I knew they were going to be filming — all the vans and people and equipment were there — and I thought, ‘How sweet if it’s all captured on film! How much better than just bumping him off quietly?’ So I planned it all out. Security’s pretty tight at ‘Wild Acre Farm’, especially when they’re filming, but I know Blackhouse Farm like the back of my hand. I know ways to get on and off the farm without being seen, all the places to hide… I grew up there, after all. There’s a big old building, the granary, we used to call it, with a loft. It’s not been used for years, but it’s listed so they can’t do much with it. I knew I could get in there undetected, up the ladder, and well, it’s the perfect spot for me and Dad’s old rifle. They always have a live scene at the beginning of the programme with Craig standing in front of the farmhouse, and I’d be able to pick him off… no trouble.

I arrived early in the day and waited. I had sandwiches and a flask. It was alright really. I could practise my aim… be ready. I’d got it so the barrel of the rifle was resting on the frame of where the old loading hatch used to be. The hour came. I saw the make-up lady fluffing him up, and the lights were all on, making it an even easier shot. I’m crouched behind the gun, finger on the trigger, Brampton in my sights. And then I see it. A spider walking along the frame, up to the rifle barrel. And it’s a big one — a harvest spider — and I freeze. I wanted to scream again, and I thought I was going to, but somehow I didn’t. I just froze with my eyes shut and I couldn’t open them for what must have been ten minutes. By then, it was all over. My chance had gone.

So that’s why I need help. I need to get over my fear of spiders. Is that something you can help me with?

Ahem. I said, ‘I need to get over my fear of spiders.’ Can you help me?

Yes… Yes, Denise. I think that’s something I can help you with.

 

© Adrian Frost. September 2023